Running Wilde

Today was my second time at my running meet up group...( oh and in case any one is following i am 226 days quit...) running has become not just a new lifestyle...but my new habit...over 7 months ago i choose to change my life. I had major ups and downs...but the fog is lifting i have found my new life. I was even talking to someone about it and being the fastest girl in the group i loved hearing myself talk about how i have succeed. No worries i will never be cocky...just very proud.

i love running, i want to hang out with people who love running, i want to talk about running, shop for running, analyze running- but that is only the addict in my head. truly i have chosen running as my new cigarette and i am the biggest puffer i know... ha i just called myself a puffer.

so anyway- anyone looking for success stories on quitting... i got one, it feels awesome and i hate smokers now...as for the rest of things... look for topics....i have some ideas boiling....

Moving Day

The day is finally here...
Packing is done, good-byes are said, Harlem here I come.
I went to pick up my keys Thursday and I have never felt so amazed, so excited so thrilled. This is my home, I will not be sharing it, it is not temporary, it is happy happy place for me.

Saturday morning I will try the moving company route- first time I am depending on someone to do my dirty work...yes i am nervous that they won't show, that they will drop everything and that they will take off with my stuff in the van... but dude I am going to a 5th floor walk up...i want to keep the few friends I have.

Mo Mo and Mugs are at their wits end... they have no idea what is going on, but they will and soon they will have an amazing place to call their own- yep without the cat hahaha

So, with thanks to Brooklyn I saw so long suckas....

the fourth

as i welcome the fourth... i have also chosen to welcome what i have been chasing for at least 6 months now.

i welcome you happiness, i welcome you inner strength, i welcome you confidence, i welcome you happiness...
i have been a very miserable puppy for a while, it stated with the break up of a friend, and dealing with the sadness. Then the addition of a new friend so quickly after, and dealing with the rollercoaster of emotions. Then the lack of space and privacy in my home, my most treasured location. Then i quit which was so emotionally draining it was insane... in other words i have be off, very off. I am so tired of feeling off, I welcome serenity with open arms...

I have also learned a lot about myself this last year. I learned that the world is waiting for me and i need to join it.. I have started exercising, but not completely- so, "just do it". I have started being a leader at work but with so many distractions i'm distracted- so, "just do it"...
I have started a beautiful relationship but with my mind in such a dirty funk, i can't seem to give out a solid team mate- so, shake out the mess and just do it.

What is happening is a trial life right now...I hate trial life- i want the real thing...so starting today before you get into your new place, have that woman ready. If something is in the path of your happy life, cut it down...rude or not. If something has held you back cut the ties...be you be what you want to be, be as strong as i know you are...

you have made me so happy a million times from the strength that you have always had. I see that you don't believe in that anymore- but it is there see- there it is. Now walk forward today, stop holding back...

quit day...#....whatever...

does not matter never smoking again...(114)
also...

i am moving to Manhattan- Harlem to be exact...after 5 yrs in the BK...
peace., i need that 15 mins to the house... i also need the new abandoned houses and new restaurants and soul food style.

i also just need new ... seriously...mo, mugs- lets go dogs, threes company- moving on up...

one last note... if you are ready...you will do it- so get ready already!!!

smoke that.....

quit day #71

hellz yeah! hahaha...
i think that with my little cheat i actually got stronger! i understand the trigger now...i can see it!

i am one hell of a non smoker...gotta sleep so i can run in the am!!

day 46

the days flew by but sadly last night i had 5 cigs...

i am saying it's ok as long as i learn from this and come out of it stronger and even more convicted to this...and anyone asking...i am keeping my 46 days! ha!

Quit Day 26

Holly freaking smokes... really that long? Awesome!
It has been a journey and everyday that i have a million craves...I am a million times stronger for seeing the truth of the quit pledge. I know (no matter how bad i want it) if i have that one innocent smoke...it won't feel dramatic and I will try and sneak in another and another...so, instead I just keep becoming stronger and stronger...

As you can see even my need to post every 5 mins is waning. I believe it is because i don't have the constant fear of relapsing, or the constant ciggy thought...so yeah look forward to some better FASHIONABLE MOMO (and MUGS) post...cause it summer and my camera is finding it's way out of the bag more and more. But first how to organize those photos on my computer??? Hmmm? Any suggestions invisible world :)

Quiting Day 17

So as the days slowly go by...and yes at certain times very slow... I realise that it is a very hard task... it is a very tedious one. How many days do i have left??? oh forever right. I think about the fact that it might just be easier to go back to the lazy days of smoking... but then i hear things like...

1. your face has a glow to it
2. you have so much more energy
3. i am proud and impressed....

man, it's a bitch but everyday it is worth it... it is worth me thinking i can taste one every now and then... worth me thinking that hey can i sneak one??? no f-ing way crazy lady... guess what you have to be one of those non-smokers now, and as the goober are getting thicker...i am grateful that my body has started to decide that healing is ready to start...bring it!!!

quitting smoking day 14

I MADE IT!!!! two weeks... i usually fail before that...hopefully a month is next. ok not hopefully defn!!!

oh and don't get me wrong... i still totally want to say "fuck this i am going for a smoke, it's so much easier" but it's not...
it's loosing all that $ (i have saved 165.00) it's stinking again, it's no motivation to gym it, it's having to do the last two weeks over, it's worrying about dying, it's stressing about quitting, it's hiding from everyone you told...
so tell everyone...it's more peeps that will give you the sad "oh you failed" face... a lot of people started smoking cause peer pressure, why not quit because of it!!!

Quit Lucky day 13

Wow, still going strong. Last night I was watching a fav show... when it was over like many times before my brain went through the motions of ok...now go outside smoke cig. Woah, so weird that i actually felt my brain telling me what to do. Thank god i asked my rooms to put her cigs in her room hahaha!!! No really i am having some of the strongest craves right now, but i have defn started to feel the power of me vs. them.

Spin class 630 am again...me victorious!!

Quiting Day 11

Still going!!! Still tough!
Trying something new posting in am rather that pm since i am trying to get myself to bed at a decent hour. Things are changing I had a huge moment last night that I got a MAJOR crave and instead of caving, i walked past the deli and into my apt. and onto the phone with my sister. I did it I survived and redirected instead of giving in.

Went to a 6:30 spin class this morning...man it felt goodd must keep doing those, gotta start a more restricted eating habit too since i am now 5 lbs heavier...but who cares...i am 5 lbs healtier!!!

So anyone needing/wanting to quit smoking, take it from me- you will do it when the time is right, and you will know it is right when you don't give in to your first crave. I quit a million times and always gave in...not this time baby! Yeah the craves are hard but I am recognising them and not actually listening to them.

quiting day 9

skipped a few days there... had a weekend got distracted but, still made it.
Doing pretty good, the cravings are fewer, however, when i get them they are intense! they are strangely a sense of loss more than anything else, also a sense of radical change cause of the loss- fear???

i feel like a person is dying and i feel like i might miss that person a little.
i like the new person i am turning in to soooo much better but i hate what I am having to feel to get rid of the old person. I feel like i am isolating people keeping myself from giving in...like my roommate who i think won't even talk to me cause i needed to hang out with my non smoking boyfriend this weekend for support. She is fantastically cutting down, but she used to be my back yard smoking buddy and that is one of the things i miss... so it is hard...

I saw another smoking buddy this weekend, once again i had to cut the visit short even though she was nice enuf to not smoke around me, I knew that with enuf time the little demon would convince me to take a smoke. So i had to scram...

Let me set it straight though, I say I miss the old me ~ and it's weird finding out who the new me is ~ I like feeling full of air and oxygen (it's good for lots of things hehe) i like being able to hang out with people and not be the smoking one, i freaking love the i am finally in control (oh and i LOVE getting Momo and Mugsie on the walking circuit with me.

Smoking is very hard for me, I am not one to just cut down or have one here and there... for me the addiction is full fledged... if I have a pack I am smoking it and heck maybe more... I don't have the luxury or cutting down or smoking only at parties or bumming from a friend... I am an all or nothing kinda girl.

Sorry this was a long one but it has been a few days and I did need to get it off my back that this task i have made for myself is hard!!! But I am a fantastic person for doing this and I didn't have a lot of friends before this cause I smoked, so who cares if I have any after cause I don't... THIS IS FOR ME!!!!!

oh and

by the way
1. it feels good to hear people say they are proud of you
2. it feels amazing to sit in the sun in central park enjoying a cheeseburger and tasting it
3. it feels good being pissed off at all the goddamn (use to be me) smokers blowing there nastiness in my face
4. it feels goods to take control
5. it feels good to give a shit about myself
6. it feels good to make my sister proud

and one more cheesiness
7. it feels good to be in love not in hiding

quitting day 5

today was really good and really bad.

today i got tired...found out a quit friend was cheating...wanted to join her. didn't and i feel that was excellent...but it made the day very slow! more people know...more people to make proud or disappoint??? really want this week over with... but then i say "but why?" so then you can what... smoke??? no.... getting this week over only "get's this week over"...nothing more.

so as i DRAGGED my self to the gym full of candy, soda, and sluggishness, i watched the spin teacher examine his class sign in sheet "whoa full on st. patty's day"...i saw a few openings but i was heading to my virgin yoga class...yawn. (though i like it, it just isn't the most cig quitter inspiring class) went upstairs - should i do it? no ha, you don't even have sneaks just your high top silver chucks... laugh...i have 25 mins to wait in my chucks for my class... oh hell lets do it, ran down, there was a bike open signed up, changed... and then nearly puked it was so exhausting, powerful, sweaty ...in other words when you need inspiration to quit smoking spin class kicks yoga's ohm ass...

quiting day 4 arrgh

will it ever end.

ok truthfully i am impressed with myself...i went to work today endured all the things i though made me not able to quit and still i survived...holly shit...
but at the same time how much energy can i put into pretending that i don't want to crawl into a corner and die!

can i share something? ha of course i can...so while i was sleeping i kept having visions of what i have been wasting my life on... stupid things like my closet, my wall color etc... my brain was almost going to tell me what was so god damn important... like the meaning of life...then i woke up ha...it has me thinking though. does my sub conscience know something i don't? am i starting to feel a sense of realism instead of this fake getting by all these years??? OMG am i growing up?????

phew deepness...cig withdrawal deepness...it only comes when you are really ready to give it up.
hug me...

Quiting day 3!!!

ok, so they say 3 days and most of the nicotine is out of your system... let's hope so hahaha... i took off work today laid around, did go to a spin class ended up already sore ha! But really, i am impressed...i am a bit quiet, lost, distracted, and nervous... but i am doing it. And better than i ever have.

maybe i have enough good things happening in life???

SO tomorrow back to the fashion production world...i am hoping that no one makes me mad or is too dramatic argh...hahaha... it will be a ruff one but i will just talk myself through it...remember it's YOUR choice....!!!!!!!!!!!! but everyone's watching hahaha

Fashion runs on dunkin doughnuts?

Quiting Day 2

so i can officially put another day behind me. had a few burning wants (but strangely minor in aggravation). i think the oddest feeling is the rushing of blood back through my body. I feel like my veins are going to explode hahaha! it feels good to stretch, and yes the bag of candy corn and cherry gummies are helping.

i decided that if i gain weight, i am ok with it. actually i defn will gain weight. ha... but i am already going to go in for the exercise tomorrow. Feeling like the wind is coming back in my lungs...

on a personal note... i told the non smoking boyfriend...but i told him to please be judgmental. He is too nice, like "Well i know its hard, just keep trying" when what i really want him to tell me "I'm a looser" like begging the Dr's to tell me i have a critical disease (lie) to convince me to quit... being nice does not help. So he promised.. i think he thinks it might be fun hehehe...

But listen, the reason i am writing this down- even though i know no one reads it is like exposing myself...i don't want to apear as a looser on my own site- so i will just keep giving you my feelings tell you what i am going through...and finally (not hopefully) after all these 15 years quit freaking smoking woo hoo!
night!

smoking

i am not afraid to admit that i have quit...oh a million times.
but slate clean wipe that away...today is the first day...anyone want to join
in on this adventure? it will suck...but i am between fashion weeks right now so maybe i can relax enough to do this...
you are welcome to get mad if i fail
you are welcome to judge my methods
oh and you are welcome to not care...
sweet... here goes!