Monday, March 29, 2010

Quiting Day 17

So as the days slowly go by...and yes at certain times very slow... I realise that it is a very hard task... it is a very tedious one. How many days do i have left??? oh forever right. I think about the fact that it might just be easier to go back to the lazy days of smoking... but then i hear things like...

1. your face has a glow to it
2. you have so much more energy
3. i am proud and impressed....

man, it's a bitch but everyday it is worth it... it is worth me thinking i can taste one every now and then... worth me thinking that hey can i sneak one??? no f-ing way crazy lady... guess what you have to be one of those non-smokers now, and as the goober are getting thicker...i am grateful that my body has started to decide that healing is ready to start...bring it!!!

Friday, March 26, 2010

quitting smoking day 14

I MADE IT!!!! two weeks... i usually fail before that...hopefully a month is next. ok not hopefully defn!!!

oh and don't get me wrong... i still totally want to say "fuck this i am going for a smoke, it's so much easier" but it's not...
it's loosing all that $ (i have saved 165.00) it's stinking again, it's no motivation to gym it, it's having to do the last two weeks over, it's worrying about dying, it's stressing about quitting, it's hiding from everyone you told...
so tell's more peeps that will give you the sad "oh you failed" face... a lot of people started smoking cause peer pressure, why not quit because of it!!!

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Quit Lucky day 13

Wow, still going strong. Last night I was watching a fav show... when it was over like many times before my brain went through the motions of go outside smoke cig. Woah, so weird that i actually felt my brain telling me what to do. Thank god i asked my rooms to put her cigs in her room hahaha!!! No really i am having some of the strongest craves right now, but i have defn started to feel the power of me vs. them.

Spin class 630 am victorious!!

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Quiting Day 11

Still going!!! Still tough!
Trying something new posting in am rather that pm since i am trying to get myself to bed at a decent hour. Things are changing I had a huge moment last night that I got a MAJOR crave and instead of caving, i walked past the deli and into my apt. and onto the phone with my sister. I did it I survived and redirected instead of giving in.

Went to a 6:30 spin class this it felt goodd must keep doing those, gotta start a more restricted eating habit too since i am now 5 lbs heavier...but who cares...i am 5 lbs healtier!!!

So anyone needing/wanting to quit smoking, take it from me- you will do it when the time is right, and you will know it is right when you don't give in to your first crave. I quit a million times and always gave in...not this time baby! Yeah the craves are hard but I am recognising them and not actually listening to them.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

quiting day 9

skipped a few days there... had a weekend got distracted but, still made it.
Doing pretty good, the cravings are fewer, however, when i get them they are intense! they are strangely a sense of loss more than anything else, also a sense of radical change cause of the loss- fear???

i feel like a person is dying and i feel like i might miss that person a little.
i like the new person i am turning in to soooo much better but i hate what I am having to feel to get rid of the old person. I feel like i am isolating people keeping myself from giving my roommate who i think won't even talk to me cause i needed to hang out with my non smoking boyfriend this weekend for support. She is fantastically cutting down, but she used to be my back yard smoking buddy and that is one of the things i miss... so it is hard...

I saw another smoking buddy this weekend, once again i had to cut the visit short even though she was nice enuf to not smoke around me, I knew that with enuf time the little demon would convince me to take a smoke. So i had to scram...

Let me set it straight though, I say I miss the old me ~ and it's weird finding out who the new me is ~ I like feeling full of air and oxygen (it's good for lots of things hehe) i like being able to hang out with people and not be the smoking one, i freaking love the i am finally in control (oh and i LOVE getting Momo and Mugsie on the walking circuit with me.

Smoking is very hard for me, I am not one to just cut down or have one here and there... for me the addiction is full fledged... if I have a pack I am smoking it and heck maybe more... I don't have the luxury or cutting down or smoking only at parties or bumming from a friend... I am an all or nothing kinda girl.

Sorry this was a long one but it has been a few days and I did need to get it off my back that this task i have made for myself is hard!!! But I am a fantastic person for doing this and I didn't have a lot of friends before this cause I smoked, so who cares if I have any after cause I don't... THIS IS FOR ME!!!!!

Thursday, March 18, 2010

oh and

by the way
1. it feels good to hear people say they are proud of you
2. it feels amazing to sit in the sun in central park enjoying a cheeseburger and tasting it
3. it feels good being pissed off at all the goddamn (use to be me) smokers blowing there nastiness in my face
4. it feels goods to take control
5. it feels good to give a shit about myself
6. it feels good to make my sister proud

and one more cheesiness
7. it feels good to be in love not in hiding

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

quitting day 5

today was really good and really bad.

today i got tired...found out a quit friend was cheating...wanted to join her. didn't and i feel that was excellent...but it made the day very slow! more people know...more people to make proud or disappoint??? really want this week over with... but then i say "but why?" so then you can what... smoke??? no.... getting this week over only "get's this week over"...nothing more.

so as i DRAGGED my self to the gym full of candy, soda, and sluggishness, i watched the spin teacher examine his class sign in sheet "whoa full on st. patty's day"...i saw a few openings but i was heading to my virgin yoga class...yawn. (though i like it, it just isn't the most cig quitter inspiring class) went upstairs - should i do it? no ha, you don't even have sneaks just your high top silver chucks... laugh...i have 25 mins to wait in my chucks for my class... oh hell lets do it, ran down, there was a bike open signed up, changed... and then nearly puked it was so exhausting, powerful, sweaty other words when you need inspiration to quit smoking spin class kicks yoga's ohm ass...

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

quiting day 4 arrgh

will it ever end.

ok truthfully i am impressed with myself...i went to work today endured all the things i though made me not able to quit and still i survived...holly shit...
but at the same time how much energy can i put into pretending that i don't want to crawl into a corner and die!

can i share something? ha of course i while i was sleeping i kept having visions of what i have been wasting my life on... stupid things like my closet, my wall color etc... my brain was almost going to tell me what was so god damn important... like the meaning of life...then i woke up has me thinking though. does my sub conscience know something i don't? am i starting to feel a sense of realism instead of this fake getting by all these years??? OMG am i growing up?????

phew deepness...cig withdrawal only comes when you are really ready to give it up.
hug me...

Monday, March 15, 2010

Quiting day 3!!!

ok, so they say 3 days and most of the nicotine is out of your system... let's hope so hahaha... i took off work today laid around, did go to a spin class ended up already sore ha! But really, i am impressed...i am a bit quiet, lost, distracted, and nervous... but i am doing it. And better than i ever have.

maybe i have enough good things happening in life???

SO tomorrow back to the fashion production world...i am hoping that no one makes me mad or is too dramatic argh...hahaha... it will be a ruff one but i will just talk myself through it...remember it's YOUR choice....!!!!!!!!!!!! but everyone's watching hahaha

Fashion runs on dunkin doughnuts?

Quiting Day 2

so i can officially put another day behind me. had a few burning wants (but strangely minor in aggravation). i think the oddest feeling is the rushing of blood back through my body. I feel like my veins are going to explode hahaha! it feels good to stretch, and yes the bag of candy corn and cherry gummies are helping.

i decided that if i gain weight, i am ok with it. actually i defn will gain weight. ha... but i am already going to go in for the exercise tomorrow. Feeling like the wind is coming back in my lungs...

on a personal note... i told the non smoking boyfriend...but i told him to please be judgmental. He is too nice, like "Well i know its hard, just keep trying" when what i really want him to tell me "I'm a looser" like begging the Dr's to tell me i have a critical disease (lie) to convince me to quit... being nice does not help. So he promised.. i think he thinks it might be fun hehehe...

But listen, the reason i am writing this down- even though i know no one reads it is like exposing myself...i don't want to apear as a looser on my own site- so i will just keep giving you my feelings tell you what i am going through...and finally (not hopefully) after all these 15 years quit freaking smoking woo hoo!

Saturday, March 13, 2010


i am not afraid to admit that i have quit...oh a million times.
but slate clean wipe that is the first day...anyone want to join
in on this adventure? it will suck...but i am between fashion weeks right now so maybe i can relax enough to do this...
you are welcome to get mad if i fail
you are welcome to judge my methods
oh and you are welcome to not care...
sweet... here goes!


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